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This week is MACtion packed, with that conference playing 4 games before Thursday. The American and Midwest conferences follow up with a pair of games on Friday, while the ACC does the heavy lifting on Thursday. As a result, they'll still play every game you want to see at 7:15 PM on Saturday!
Tuesday 8PM: Bowling Green at Akron. Both G5 teams are in good position in the MAC and own upset victories over a P5 team on their schedule. To make this game more interesting, I'm going to pretend that both of these teams are the P5 team that they beat. So that makes this Indiana of the B1G vs Pittsburgh of the ACC. Dammit that didn't make it any more interesting. Oh well, I guess this game will have to fall back on the potential that it will actually be a pretty good game.
Also in this time slot: Toledo takes way too much Kent State and goes out to Golden Flash their Rockets to the dozen or so people that they can get to watch before the police catch them.
Wednesday 8PM: NIU shreds Ball State like David DiDonato on his lunch break.
Also in this time slot: The Buffalo Kentucky Wildcats take on the Ohio New York Jets. I only looked at the uniforms.
Thursday 7:30 PM: Clemson at Wake Forest. Continuing the long standing tradition of the ACC putting on a cluster-show on Thursday night, the league's pole position holder in the race to the bottom faces the brand that brought you #Clemsoning. Activities more entertaining than this game will include such things as: wondering who thought this was a good matchup for national television, even in the preseason, and, starting threads about a Dabo contract extension on whatever backwoods website is inhabited by the several literate Clemson fans. For extra points: every time there's a punt, take a drink, every time the ball is fumbled, picked, or an easy field goal is missed, finish the drink.
Friday 8PM: Memphis remains one of five different 1-conference-loss teams in the American, while turning Tulsa into the newest of five different 3-conference-loss teams in the American. After this game, for a brief period of like 15 hours, the American Athletic conference will only have 1 loss and 3 loss teams, except Connecticut with 4 losses and the shame and scorn of everyone in the league.
Also in this timeslot: Utah State knows the drill: raise your arms above your head, puff out your chest, and act big mean and loud. Will it be enough, though, to scare off the enraged Craig Bohl charging towards them with the blood of Fresno State still running down his jowls?
Saturday Noon: Presbyterian at Ole Miss. I only put this on here because it seems like the biggest mismatch since FSU-Savannah State last year. FSU only managed 55 points in that game before God intervened mercifully in the 3rd quarter. You'd expect the big man to call this one as well if there's anything to this presbyterianism stuff. I always find that college football games are an accurate test of the validity of a religion.
Georgia at Kentucky. We'll all be watching the first 30 minutes, which will probably be just about all we want to see. Georgia will vault back into the top 10 after this quality win.
Baylor at Oklahoma. Elimination game! Although both teams are pretty much eliminated by virtue of there being more than 4 SEC West teams. Like, in existence.
Saturday Noon-Thirty: Us at NCST. My curse has become too strong to risk a comment. I just hope that I haven't already said too much.
Duke at Syracuse. Duke will dominate and win easily, further clarifying a division that everyone in the media will still insist is going to come down to the last play of the season because the Duke team that gets ranked is the basketball team, silly, all the coastal leaders have like 4 losses right? I haven't checked.
Saturday 3:30 PM: Texas A&M at Auburn. Auburn picks up another quality win in what will surely be a testament to the depth and stuff in the whatever.
Notre Dame at Arizona State. I keep hearing Notre Dame doesn't have any opportunities left on its schedule to pick up a quality win, so this must be a mistake, because Arizona State was 14th ranked in the CFP last week and beat a good #17 Utah team. So they will certainly be a top 15 and maybe even a top 10 team and thus they simply can't be on Notre Dame's schedule.
West Virginia at Texas. Another game in which Texas has no chance. Charlie Strong's seat will be hot enough to properly sear a steak. Not sure if Texas fans appreciate references like that, but eating steak will likely be more enjoyable than watching this game or thinking about their coach for any fan of that team.
Michigan at Northwestern. I just imagine 3GT is in the stands of every Michigan game rubbing his hands together muttering "Yess... yess... all according to plan... muahahaaa" quietly to himself. Whether Michigan wins or not, I'll enjoy all of the speculation and drama surrounding the program, as the announcers will likely talk more about that than anything happening on the field.
Saturday 4:00 PM: Tennessee-Martin at #1 Mississippi State. The mother of all upsets! Definitely won't happen, but man would that be awesome.
Virginia at FSU: We were the trap game, and the UVA squad that beat the Louisville team that beat FSU for a little bit rears its ugly head and loses to FSU in the waning seconds of the game.
Saturday 7:30 PM: Kansas State at TCU. Elimination game, and the premier matchup of the day, in my opinion. The winner of this game deserves to be in the top 6.
Florida at Vanderbilt: Muschamp is competing with Finebaum for the troll-of-the-year award and he's winning. He could basically seal it up here with a loss to Vanderbilt. Finebaum would basically have to go join ISIS to compete at that point.
Alabama at LSU: A Les Miles coached LSU in Death Valley at night just reduced Ole Miss to a 7 point effort in a win. That didn't hurt Ole Miss in the rankings at all, so Alabama should probably just throw in the backups and rest the starters for the games that count.
Saturday 8:00 PM: THE Ohio State at Michigan State. THE second loss and elimination. THE confirmation that THE Ohio State offense is not good when it's challenged at all. THE coaches seat will be warmed.
Colorado at Arizona. Arizona football is just fun to watch, and Colorado is essentially the Arkansas of the Pac 12 right now. So it'll be close.
Saturday 10:00 PM: Oregon at Utah. In what will be the best test of the Oregon OL since um... Stanford... dammit, this narrative worked before I realized what order the games were played in. Utah is pretty much staring down the barrel of a gun. A touchdown gun. The Mariota Repeating Arms Model 1873. (Get it?)
Any other confrontations of a compelling parlance?
Tuesday 8PM: Bowling Green at Akron. Both G5 teams are in good position in the MAC and own upset victories over a P5 team on their schedule. To make this game more interesting, I'm going to pretend that both of these teams are the P5 team that they beat. So that makes this Indiana of the B1G vs Pittsburgh of the ACC. Dammit that didn't make it any more interesting. Oh well, I guess this game will have to fall back on the potential that it will actually be a pretty good game.
Also in this time slot: Toledo takes way too much Kent State and goes out to Golden Flash their Rockets to the dozen or so people that they can get to watch before the police catch them.
Wednesday 8PM: NIU shreds Ball State like David DiDonato on his lunch break.
Also in this time slot: The Buffalo Kentucky Wildcats take on the Ohio New York Jets. I only looked at the uniforms.
Thursday 7:30 PM: Clemson at Wake Forest. Continuing the long standing tradition of the ACC putting on a cluster-show on Thursday night, the league's pole position holder in the race to the bottom faces the brand that brought you #Clemsoning. Activities more entertaining than this game will include such things as: wondering who thought this was a good matchup for national television, even in the preseason, and, starting threads about a Dabo contract extension on whatever backwoods website is inhabited by the several literate Clemson fans. For extra points: every time there's a punt, take a drink, every time the ball is fumbled, picked, or an easy field goal is missed, finish the drink.
Friday 8PM: Memphis remains one of five different 1-conference-loss teams in the American, while turning Tulsa into the newest of five different 3-conference-loss teams in the American. After this game, for a brief period of like 15 hours, the American Athletic conference will only have 1 loss and 3 loss teams, except Connecticut with 4 losses and the shame and scorn of everyone in the league.
Also in this timeslot: Utah State knows the drill: raise your arms above your head, puff out your chest, and act big mean and loud. Will it be enough, though, to scare off the enraged Craig Bohl charging towards them with the blood of Fresno State still running down his jowls?
Saturday Noon: Presbyterian at Ole Miss. I only put this on here because it seems like the biggest mismatch since FSU-Savannah State last year. FSU only managed 55 points in that game before God intervened mercifully in the 3rd quarter. You'd expect the big man to call this one as well if there's anything to this presbyterianism stuff. I always find that college football games are an accurate test of the validity of a religion.
Georgia at Kentucky. We'll all be watching the first 30 minutes, which will probably be just about all we want to see. Georgia will vault back into the top 10 after this quality win.
Baylor at Oklahoma. Elimination game! Although both teams are pretty much eliminated by virtue of there being more than 4 SEC West teams. Like, in existence.
Saturday Noon-Thirty: Us at NCST. My curse has become too strong to risk a comment. I just hope that I haven't already said too much.
Duke at Syracuse. Duke will dominate and win easily, further clarifying a division that everyone in the media will still insist is going to come down to the last play of the season because the Duke team that gets ranked is the basketball team, silly, all the coastal leaders have like 4 losses right? I haven't checked.
Saturday 3:30 PM: Texas A&M at Auburn. Auburn picks up another quality win in what will surely be a testament to the depth and stuff in the whatever.
Notre Dame at Arizona State. I keep hearing Notre Dame doesn't have any opportunities left on its schedule to pick up a quality win, so this must be a mistake, because Arizona State was 14th ranked in the CFP last week and beat a good #17 Utah team. So they will certainly be a top 15 and maybe even a top 10 team and thus they simply can't be on Notre Dame's schedule.
West Virginia at Texas. Another game in which Texas has no chance. Charlie Strong's seat will be hot enough to properly sear a steak. Not sure if Texas fans appreciate references like that, but eating steak will likely be more enjoyable than watching this game or thinking about their coach for any fan of that team.
Michigan at Northwestern. I just imagine 3GT is in the stands of every Michigan game rubbing his hands together muttering "Yess... yess... all according to plan... muahahaaa" quietly to himself. Whether Michigan wins or not, I'll enjoy all of the speculation and drama surrounding the program, as the announcers will likely talk more about that than anything happening on the field.
Saturday 4:00 PM: Tennessee-Martin at #1 Mississippi State. The mother of all upsets! Definitely won't happen, but man would that be awesome.
Virginia at FSU: We were the trap game, and the UVA squad that beat the Louisville team that beat FSU for a little bit rears its ugly head and loses to FSU in the waning seconds of the game.
Saturday 7:30 PM: Kansas State at TCU. Elimination game, and the premier matchup of the day, in my opinion. The winner of this game deserves to be in the top 6.
Florida at Vanderbilt: Muschamp is competing with Finebaum for the troll-of-the-year award and he's winning. He could basically seal it up here with a loss to Vanderbilt. Finebaum would basically have to go join ISIS to compete at that point.
Alabama at LSU: A Les Miles coached LSU in Death Valley at night just reduced Ole Miss to a 7 point effort in a win. That didn't hurt Ole Miss in the rankings at all, so Alabama should probably just throw in the backups and rest the starters for the games that count.
Saturday 8:00 PM: THE Ohio State at Michigan State. THE second loss and elimination. THE confirmation that THE Ohio State offense is not good when it's challenged at all. THE coaches seat will be warmed.
Colorado at Arizona. Arizona football is just fun to watch, and Colorado is essentially the Arkansas of the Pac 12 right now. So it'll be close.
Saturday 10:00 PM: Oregon at Utah. In what will be the best test of the Oregon OL since um... Stanford... dammit, this narrative worked before I realized what order the games were played in. Utah is pretty much staring down the barrel of a gun. A touchdown gun. The Mariota Repeating Arms Model 1873. (Get it?)
Any other confrontations of a compelling parlance?
