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Week 1's regular action, and thus the actual factual college football season begins in earnest on Saturday. With a renewed emphasis on interesting games in the opening slate across the CFB world, this year's marquee matches are packed with interesting pairings, even if lacking in playoff-shaping contests as compared to recent seasons past. So in the spirit of pairings, here are some pairings for your pairings, Xzibit.gif.
This week in foobaw, you're the Master Sommelier of the sport. Here's what I recommend:
Saturday, September 1
12:00 PM - Oregon State at #5 Ohio State. Oregon State head coach Smith is a surprising and uplifting success story, a beloved quarterback coaching at his alma mater, being promoted from interim after the sudden departure of his former boss in the middle of last season. Tune in to listen to 3 and a half hours of commentary on Urban Meyer. Hopefully the guys in the booth can manage to keep it PG. You know, for the fams.
Pair with: St Pauli Girl N.A. It tastes as much like a beer as a beverage can without actually being a beer. It's only for desperate people.
12:00 PM - The Lane Kiffin University Pew Pew Laser Beams at #7 Oklahoma. I think everyone knows the reputation of these teams, so let's begin. This is the OK corral. This is that scene in Star Wars where five dozen Jedi attack an army of aliens with laser weapons. This is that scene in "Saving Private Ryan" where Matt Damon is doubled over in terror as the world is ripped apart by science and cruelty around him (and Matt Damon is you, viewer). Tune in if you liked that scene in the trailer for 2012 where the Tibetan monastery at the top of the Himalayas gets blown off the face of the earth by a tidal wave that reaches into outer space.
Pair with: Naga Chilli Vodka. At 500,000 scovilles and 40% ABV, it's basically just poison you drink on purpose, because you are out of your damn mind.
12:00 PM - #23 Texas vs Maryland. Texas, the zombie football program, continues its lurching quest to exhume itself and begin eating brains. DJ Durkin once killed a man, allegedly. Tune in for 3 and a half hours of commentary about Urban Meyer.
Pair with: Methanol. You can pretend it's ethanol, but it'll kill you if you do.
12:00 PM - Ole Miss vs Texas Tech. Ole Miss should now have an even more incredibly exciting offense, and Texas Tech does too, in addition to its inability to field anything resembling a defense. Tune in for 3 and a half hours of commentary about the new sharky shark mascott.
Pair with: Four Loko. No explanation needed. Not that you'd understand it after a few cans.
12:00 PM - James Vadison at NC State. JVU could be a decent team this year, and NC State is in the ACC. Tune in to maybe see somebody get wrecked against a FCS team.
Pair with: Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's not thought of as a drink that will mess you up. But if you take it lightly, you'll find that, hilariously, it is.
12:30 PM - Alcorn State at Georgia Tech. It's the best game of the day, and you should definitely ignore everything else near this time slot and be there. If you can't, at least yell at your TV real loud.
Pair with: Maker's Mark. It is what it is. n't.
1:00 PM - UMass at Boston College. UMass has improved dramatically since the beginning of last year. Now, in its first full year under interim-turned-full-time head coach Mark Whipple, it's facing off against an ACC team from like 2 hours away to start the season.
Pair with: Sam Adams Boston Lager. It's good mother-friendly beer, mother friender.
3:30 PM - #6 Washington at #9 Auburn. #6#9 Heheh. Your mom. Haaaa. Tune in for 3 and a half hours of uncoverage. Hueeee.
Pair with: "F*cks Up Your Sh*t IPA". Some feel super hoppy IPAs are more popular than they should be. At an insane 2600 IBUs, this beer is king of that.
3:30 PM - Tennessee at #17 West Virginia. Tennessee thinks it has itself a Saban clone, and everyone thinks West Virginia is good because it has itself a quarterback. If playing Tennessee teaches you anything, though, it's that playing Tennessee teaches you nothing. This game will create more questions for both teams, about both teams, than it does answers for either.
Pair with: Ayahuasca. It will reveal some öööö about you, and you will wonder what it was.
3:30 PM - Washington State at Wyoming. Wyoming's defense just finished putting an unholy savage beating on New Mexico State, while Wyoming's offense took its sweet time just sort of thinking about what it wanted to do. Washington State will be far better on both sides of the ball than NMSU was, but will it be enough? This game will tell us how close Craig Bohl's squad is to ushering in the bizarre era of Wyoming football being the dominant G5 force. Also, it's AT Wyoming.
Pair with: Golden Grain. It's not actually intended for human consumption, and it's an explosion hazard.
3:30 PM - Northern Illinois at Iowa. It's something you probably only want to watch if you're really into one of these two teams for some reason. Kirk Ferentz is still there, yes.
Pair with: Heroin Cough Syrup. It'll stop you from feeling that thing.
4:00 PM - North Carolina at California. California is pretty much the west coast version of North Carolina, as I understand it, possibly without all of the academic fraud. Tune in to watch a group of evil men travel to and fight the better versions of themselves, and probably lose.
Pair with: Moonshine. Everybody worth talking to's got their own version, my daddy used to say.
7:30 PM - #14 Michigan at #12 Notre Dame. Do the Irish deserve their top 15 ranking? Will Michigan opt to play more than just defense in this season opener? Is it even possible to answer both questions at once?
Pair with: Jameson. It's Irish, you see.
8:00 PM - Louisville vs #1 Alabama. This is the kind of game where, at half time, Bobby Petrino doesn't make it back into the locker room and isn't heard from again until he's seen the following week on the sidelines calling plays for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders.
Pair with: Crown Royal. Secretly Canadian.
11:00 PM - Navy at Hawaii. Hawaii proved its mettle against Colorado State in Week 0, and now gets to host the perpetually dangerous US Navy in what should be a really fun game. I'm not sure whose home game this really is.
Pair with: Okolehao. Hawaiian moonshine that's potent enough it's been banned in Hawaii twice.
Sunday, September 2
7:30 PM - #8 Miami vs #25 LSU. If LSU wins this game, they'll vault into the top 4. If Miami wins this game, the entire world will briefly travel back in time to the 1980's. With the turnover chain in play and the glory of the SEC at stake, tune in for 3 and a half hours of coverage about Miami's garbage uniforms.
Pair with: Goldschlager. It's... not as valuable as it looks. But it'll get you drunk.
Monday, September 3
8:00 PM - #20 Virginia Tech at #19 Florida State. The Hokies have more guys on their defense wounded and missing than the Persians did at the end of the movie 300. Bud Foster and that defense have been instrumental in keeping Fuente off the hot seat, and while Florida State is down a bit, they are still Florida State, and now there's a guy with an offensive reputation at the helm of all that athleticism. If Taggart is worth his salt, this sure seems like it could turn into a turkey shoot, unless the Hokies uncork a spark on offense like never before. No matter who loses, though, you're gonna laugh.
Pair with: Dr Pepper. The Official Drink Of Fansville. Mixed with Jack Daniels. The Official Drink Of Camouflage.
This week in foobaw, you're the Master Sommelier of the sport. Here's what I recommend:
Saturday, September 1
12:00 PM - Oregon State at #5 Ohio State. Oregon State head coach Smith is a surprising and uplifting success story, a beloved quarterback coaching at his alma mater, being promoted from interim after the sudden departure of his former boss in the middle of last season. Tune in to listen to 3 and a half hours of commentary on Urban Meyer. Hopefully the guys in the booth can manage to keep it PG. You know, for the fams.
Pair with: St Pauli Girl N.A. It tastes as much like a beer as a beverage can without actually being a beer. It's only for desperate people.
12:00 PM - The Lane Kiffin University Pew Pew Laser Beams at #7 Oklahoma. I think everyone knows the reputation of these teams, so let's begin. This is the OK corral. This is that scene in Star Wars where five dozen Jedi attack an army of aliens with laser weapons. This is that scene in "Saving Private Ryan" where Matt Damon is doubled over in terror as the world is ripped apart by science and cruelty around him (and Matt Damon is you, viewer). Tune in if you liked that scene in the trailer for 2012 where the Tibetan monastery at the top of the Himalayas gets blown off the face of the earth by a tidal wave that reaches into outer space.
Pair with: Naga Chilli Vodka. At 500,000 scovilles and 40% ABV, it's basically just poison you drink on purpose, because you are out of your damn mind.
12:00 PM - #23 Texas vs Maryland. Texas, the zombie football program, continues its lurching quest to exhume itself and begin eating brains. DJ Durkin once killed a man, allegedly. Tune in for 3 and a half hours of commentary about Urban Meyer.
Pair with: Methanol. You can pretend it's ethanol, but it'll kill you if you do.
12:00 PM - Ole Miss vs Texas Tech. Ole Miss should now have an even more incredibly exciting offense, and Texas Tech does too, in addition to its inability to field anything resembling a defense. Tune in for 3 and a half hours of commentary about the new sharky shark mascott.
Pair with: Four Loko. No explanation needed. Not that you'd understand it after a few cans.
12:00 PM - James Vadison at NC State. JVU could be a decent team this year, and NC State is in the ACC. Tune in to maybe see somebody get wrecked against a FCS team.
Pair with: Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's not thought of as a drink that will mess you up. But if you take it lightly, you'll find that, hilariously, it is.
12:30 PM - Alcorn State at Georgia Tech. It's the best game of the day, and you should definitely ignore everything else near this time slot and be there. If you can't, at least yell at your TV real loud.
Pair with: Maker's Mark. It is what it is. n't.
1:00 PM - UMass at Boston College. UMass has improved dramatically since the beginning of last year. Now, in its first full year under interim-turned-full-time head coach Mark Whipple, it's facing off against an ACC team from like 2 hours away to start the season.
Pair with: Sam Adams Boston Lager. It's good mother-friendly beer, mother friender.
3:30 PM - #6 Washington at #9 Auburn. #6#9 Heheh. Your mom. Haaaa. Tune in for 3 and a half hours of uncoverage. Hueeee.
Pair with: "F*cks Up Your Sh*t IPA". Some feel super hoppy IPAs are more popular than they should be. At an insane 2600 IBUs, this beer is king of that.
3:30 PM - Tennessee at #17 West Virginia. Tennessee thinks it has itself a Saban clone, and everyone thinks West Virginia is good because it has itself a quarterback. If playing Tennessee teaches you anything, though, it's that playing Tennessee teaches you nothing. This game will create more questions for both teams, about both teams, than it does answers for either.
Pair with: Ayahuasca. It will reveal some öööö about you, and you will wonder what it was.
3:30 PM - Washington State at Wyoming. Wyoming's defense just finished putting an unholy savage beating on New Mexico State, while Wyoming's offense took its sweet time just sort of thinking about what it wanted to do. Washington State will be far better on both sides of the ball than NMSU was, but will it be enough? This game will tell us how close Craig Bohl's squad is to ushering in the bizarre era of Wyoming football being the dominant G5 force. Also, it's AT Wyoming.
Pair with: Golden Grain. It's not actually intended for human consumption, and it's an explosion hazard.
3:30 PM - Northern Illinois at Iowa. It's something you probably only want to watch if you're really into one of these two teams for some reason. Kirk Ferentz is still there, yes.
Pair with: Heroin Cough Syrup. It'll stop you from feeling that thing.
4:00 PM - North Carolina at California. California is pretty much the west coast version of North Carolina, as I understand it, possibly without all of the academic fraud. Tune in to watch a group of evil men travel to and fight the better versions of themselves, and probably lose.
Pair with: Moonshine. Everybody worth talking to's got their own version, my daddy used to say.
7:30 PM - #14 Michigan at #12 Notre Dame. Do the Irish deserve their top 15 ranking? Will Michigan opt to play more than just defense in this season opener? Is it even possible to answer both questions at once?
Pair with: Jameson. It's Irish, you see.
8:00 PM - Louisville vs #1 Alabama. This is the kind of game where, at half time, Bobby Petrino doesn't make it back into the locker room and isn't heard from again until he's seen the following week on the sidelines calling plays for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders.
Pair with: Crown Royal. Secretly Canadian.
11:00 PM - Navy at Hawaii. Hawaii proved its mettle against Colorado State in Week 0, and now gets to host the perpetually dangerous US Navy in what should be a really fun game. I'm not sure whose home game this really is.
Pair with: Okolehao. Hawaiian moonshine that's potent enough it's been banned in Hawaii twice.
Sunday, September 2
7:30 PM - #8 Miami vs #25 LSU. If LSU wins this game, they'll vault into the top 4. If Miami wins this game, the entire world will briefly travel back in time to the 1980's. With the turnover chain in play and the glory of the SEC at stake, tune in for 3 and a half hours of coverage about Miami's garbage uniforms.
Pair with: Goldschlager. It's... not as valuable as it looks. But it'll get you drunk.
Monday, September 3
8:00 PM - #20 Virginia Tech at #19 Florida State. The Hokies have more guys on their defense wounded and missing than the Persians did at the end of the movie 300. Bud Foster and that defense have been instrumental in keeping Fuente off the hot seat, and while Florida State is down a bit, they are still Florida State, and now there's a guy with an offensive reputation at the helm of all that athleticism. If Taggart is worth his salt, this sure seems like it could turn into a turkey shoot, unless the Hokies uncork a spark on offense like never before. No matter who loses, though, you're gonna laugh.
Pair with: Dr Pepper. The Official Drink Of Fansville. Mixed with Jack Daniels. The Official Drink Of Camouflage.
