Michael Johnson Preseason All-America

Johnson is a beast....Maisel says he's 247, but I think RR.com says he's up to 255-260.
 
Most things that I've read, and I believe even Johnson said, say he is 260. He looks bulked up from last year... Supposedly played at around 245.
 
TALES OF MICHAEL JOHNSON (Bar Scene):



First Friend of Johnson: Michael Johnson is a son of a bitch! Do you fellas know Michael Johnson?

Second Friend of Johnson: Hell yeah, I know Michael Johnson! He's a big fella, goes about 6'4", 280. He loves his Scotch!

Third Friend of Johnson: He does! He's a hell of a salesman!

Fourth Friend of Johnson: To Michael Johnson!

Together: Michael Johnson!!

Third Friend of Johnson: Did you know Michael Johnson is the godfather of my son?

Fourth Friend of Johnson: Michael Johnson?

First Friend of Johnson: He's a big fella!

Second Friend of Johnson: Oh yeah, he's a big guy! Goes about 6'7", 385.

Third Friend of Johnson: Well, anyway.. he shows up at the church in his golf pants, caked in mud. Well, ol' Michael Johnson pushes the priest aside and says, "I'll baptize that piece of calimari!" Then he pours Scotch all over my baby son and says, "There! You're baptized!"

Fourth Friend of Johnson: And your son is blind to this day!

First Friend of Johnson: Yeah, he makes brooms somewhere in Georgia, doesn't he?

Third Friend of Johnson: I have no idea. [ pause ] To Johnson!

Together: Michael Johnson !!

Second Friend of Johnson: Did I ever tell you about the time Michael Johnson sold me into slavery?

First Friend of Johnson: Well, if you're talking about Michael Johnson, I believe it!

Second Friend of Johnson: Oh, yeah! He puts me on a ship to Thailand, right? And I'm chained to a pipe. Meanwhile, ol' Johnson, he's back in the States raising three beautiful children with my wife!

First Friend of Johnson: I hate Michael Johnson.. but I respect him!

Guy At Bar: Are you talking about Michael Johnson? I know Michael Johnson!

First Friend of Johnson: Then let me buy you a round!

Third Friend of Johnson: Hey, easy, Hank, easy.. To Michael Johnson!

Together: Michael Johnson!!

Fourth Friend of Johnson: Did I ever tell you about the time Michael Johnson showed up at my daughter's wedding? You know my daughter, she's a beautiful girl.

First Friend of Johnson: I tell you, I'd like to have sex with her!

Fourth Friend of Johnson: Well, Johnson shows up.. and you know he's a big fella.

Third Friend of Johnson: Goes about 7'8", 530.

Fourth Friend of Johnson: Well, he's standing right between me and my daughter at the ceremony. He's got no right to be there, but he's drunk and he's Johnson! Well, long story short: the priest accidentally marries me and Johnson! [ the guys laugh ] Off! Off! Off! We spend the weekend in the Poconos - he loves me like I've never been loved before!

Second Friend of Johnson: Best damn salesman in the office!

Together: Michael Johnson!

Third Friend of Johnson: You know how Johnson served three tours in 'Nam?

Fourth Friend of Johnson: Uh-huh!

Third Friend of Johnson: Well, I'm in Corpus Christi on business a month ago, and I had this eight-foot tall Asian waiter.. which made me a little curious, so I asked him his name, and sure enough it's Ho Tran Johnson!

Fourth Friend of Johnson: Hey, you ever go camping with Johnson?

Third Friend of Johnson: Many times.

First Friend of Johnson: I went camping with Johnson, his wife, and his daughter Debbie!

Third Friend of Johnson: Debbie Johnson?

First Friend of Johnson: Debbie Johnson. She's 7-years-old, goes about 3'5", 55 pounds. So, I'm in the back of a pickup with Michael Johnson and a live deer! Well, Johnson, he grabs the deer by the antlers, looks at it and says, "I'm Michael Johnson! Say it!" Then he squeezes the deer in such a way that a sound comes out of its mouth - "MichJohsnon!" It wasn't exactly it, but it was pretty good for a deer!

Third Friend of Johnson: That's Michael Johnson!

Together: Michael Johnson!!

Fourth Friend of Johnson: I once saw him eat a whole live chicken.

First Friend of Johnson: His favorite movie is "One on One" with Robby Benson.

Fourth Friend of Johnson: Michael Johnson once gave me a videotape of him having sex with my wife, and it was the most beautiful damn thing I ever saw!

Second Friend of Johnson: I have that tape!

Guy At Bar: [ turning around ] So do I!

Third Friend of Johnson: To Michael Johnson! A ten-foot-tall, two-ton son of a bitch who could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing!

Together: Michael Johnson!!

Big Booming Voice: [ from extremely tall figure in upper camera angle ] Did someone say Michael Johnson?

[ the guys get excited and raise their glasses in the air towards Michael Johnson ]

Together: Michael Johnson!!
 
A lot of people don't know this, but Michael Johnson is the father of every other kid we'll be playing this year.
 
MJ is one bad mamma jamma. Get in his way and you've got this waiting on you...


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To BILL BRASKY... Err... Michael Johnson!!!

Love that sketch :D
 
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