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This week in foobaw, it's bowl week, and the best bowls are made by Corelle Dinnerware, designed for the way we eat today!
Friday, December 17
Tailgreeter Cure Bowl - 6:00 PM. Featuring two exciting teams in NIU and CCU, it also features two exciting names in the headline, those being Tailgreeter and Cure. No, this bowl will not cure you of Tailgreeter, nor is Tailgreeter the cure for anything except perhaps momentary loneliness. Tailgreeter is some kind of "Vrbo for tailgates", which has apparently raised enough venture capital to secure the sponsorship of a bowl game featuring two really tiny fanbases that will be played hundreds of miles from either school in a stadium sponsored by Camping World. The "Cure" part of the name signifies the bowl's purpose, which is to cure breast cancer. Vrbo camping tailgate for the boobies. Let's go.
Saturday, December 18
RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl - 11:00 AM. Wake up bright and early, grab your moonshine and, well, your moonshine, for this face off between Western Kentucky and Appalachian State, who will battle for your amusement in FAU stadium just north of Miami. Because I know you're wondering, FAU stadium does not have a roof. RoofClaim.com also proudly boasts itself as the official sponsor of the Jacksonville Jaguars, and LSU. No roof on either of those stadiums, either.
PUBG Mobile New Mexico Bowl - 2:15 PM. UTEP and Fresno State will shoot it out for no reason in an uninhabited landscape in a bowl game sponsored by a video game about people who skydive into an uninhabited landscape and shoot it out for no reason. Maybe the owners of PUBG were confused about what was going on here?
Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl Presented by Stifel - 7:30 PM. Also known as the "Jaded Corporate Marketing Focus Board Least Offensive Idea Bowl". Stifel, a global investment banking company, is paying Jimmy Kimmel to put his face on this game that will be played in a stadium sponsored by SoFi, a hip millennial personal finance company, where they expect to appeal to someone by associating themselves with a game between Oregon State and Utah State. You can tell these guys think about life in terms of margin swap credit option backed security futures, because their plan profit from sponsorship of a bowl game makes just about as much sense.
The TaxAct TripleStack BowlPack
Myrtle Beach Bowl Presented by TaxAct - Monday, December 20, 2:30 PM.
TaxAct Camellia Bowl - Saturday, December 25, 2:30 PM.
TaxAct Texas Bowl - Tuesday, January 4, 9:00PM.
Nothing says "tax evasion scheme" quite like sponsoring a bunch of minor bowl games so you can write off tons of "expenses" as your entire executive team travels around the country racking up huge booze bills. Maybe these are the guys I want doing my taxes, actually...
The Art Of Shaving Bizarro World Goatee Bowls
Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl vs the Frisco Football Classic - UTSA, SDSU, North Texas, and Miami (Ohio) face off on Tuesday Thursday December 21 23 to battle over who is truly Frisco, and why it needs to be sponsored by a glorified lemonade stand?
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl vs the Military Bowl Presented by Peraton - Which I am assuming is not the Chinese off-brand of Pelaton. Okay I googled it now, and it is not, but it does do the can't be done, so maybe it can if it wants.
The Please Make A 30 Year Financial Decision Because Of A Football Game Bowls
Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl - UCF vs Florida, actually.
Guaranteed Rate Bowl - on a mortgage. it's a mortgage rate thing.
San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl - Wow, what a ridiculously specific and local sponsor. What could they hope to gain by sponsoring a bowl in [checks stadium location]... oh. Well, that one actually makes a lot of sense...
The Publix Where Shopping Is A Pleasure Bowls
Wasabi Fenway Bowl - Sponsored by a freaking ingredient. Condiment? Spice? What even is Wasabi? How does it have money? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS TIMELINE
Cheez-it Bowl - I mean. Is this a joke? A bowl of cheez-its? Haw haw? Is somebody's dad the CEO over there? IS THIS THING ON???? (featuring Clemson as the Cheez-its in the bowl)
Duke's Mayo Bowl - Featuring North Carolina. I bet that makes them mad and it's hilarious.
The Suez Environment Waste Management Other Garbage Bowls
Tony The Tiger Sun Bowl - Sponsored by a mascot? Grrrrrrreat.
TransPerfect Music City Bowl - They were gonna sponsor this last year but they had to work all the bugs out of the software. TransPrettyGood just didn't have the same ring.
TicketSmarter Birmingham Bowl - Also known as the "We're trying to get sued by TicketMaster" bowl. Save your ticket stubs, they are valuable evidence.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Friday, December 17
Tailgreeter Cure Bowl - 6:00 PM. Featuring two exciting teams in NIU and CCU, it also features two exciting names in the headline, those being Tailgreeter and Cure. No, this bowl will not cure you of Tailgreeter, nor is Tailgreeter the cure for anything except perhaps momentary loneliness. Tailgreeter is some kind of "Vrbo for tailgates", which has apparently raised enough venture capital to secure the sponsorship of a bowl game featuring two really tiny fanbases that will be played hundreds of miles from either school in a stadium sponsored by Camping World. The "Cure" part of the name signifies the bowl's purpose, which is to cure breast cancer. Vrbo camping tailgate for the boobies. Let's go.
Saturday, December 18
RoofClaim.com Boca Raton Bowl - 11:00 AM. Wake up bright and early, grab your moonshine and, well, your moonshine, for this face off between Western Kentucky and Appalachian State, who will battle for your amusement in FAU stadium just north of Miami. Because I know you're wondering, FAU stadium does not have a roof. RoofClaim.com also proudly boasts itself as the official sponsor of the Jacksonville Jaguars, and LSU. No roof on either of those stadiums, either.
PUBG Mobile New Mexico Bowl - 2:15 PM. UTEP and Fresno State will shoot it out for no reason in an uninhabited landscape in a bowl game sponsored by a video game about people who skydive into an uninhabited landscape and shoot it out for no reason. Maybe the owners of PUBG were confused about what was going on here?
Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl Presented by Stifel - 7:30 PM. Also known as the "Jaded Corporate Marketing Focus Board Least Offensive Idea Bowl". Stifel, a global investment banking company, is paying Jimmy Kimmel to put his face on this game that will be played in a stadium sponsored by SoFi, a hip millennial personal finance company, where they expect to appeal to someone by associating themselves with a game between Oregon State and Utah State. You can tell these guys think about life in terms of margin swap credit option backed security futures, because their plan profit from sponsorship of a bowl game makes just about as much sense.
The TaxAct TripleStack BowlPack
Myrtle Beach Bowl Presented by TaxAct - Monday, December 20, 2:30 PM.
TaxAct Camellia Bowl - Saturday, December 25, 2:30 PM.
TaxAct Texas Bowl - Tuesday, January 4, 9:00PM.
Nothing says "tax evasion scheme" quite like sponsoring a bunch of minor bowl games so you can write off tons of "expenses" as your entire executive team travels around the country racking up huge booze bills. Maybe these are the guys I want doing my taxes, actually...
The Art Of Shaving Bizarro World Goatee Bowls
Tropical Smoothie Cafe Frisco Bowl vs the Frisco Football Classic - UTSA, SDSU, North Texas, and Miami (Ohio) face off on Tuesday Thursday December 21 23 to battle over who is truly Frisco, and why it needs to be sponsored by a glorified lemonade stand?
Lockheed Martin Armed Forces Bowl vs the Military Bowl Presented by Peraton - Which I am assuming is not the Chinese off-brand of Pelaton. Okay I googled it now, and it is not, but it does do the can't be done, so maybe it can if it wants.
The Please Make A 30 Year Financial Decision Because Of A Football Game Bowls
Union Home Mortgage Gasparilla Bowl - UCF vs Florida, actually.
Guaranteed Rate Bowl - on a mortgage. it's a mortgage rate thing.
San Diego County Credit Union Holiday Bowl - Wow, what a ridiculously specific and local sponsor. What could they hope to gain by sponsoring a bowl in [checks stadium location]... oh. Well, that one actually makes a lot of sense...
The Publix Where Shopping Is A Pleasure Bowls
Wasabi Fenway Bowl - Sponsored by a freaking ingredient. Condiment? Spice? What even is Wasabi? How does it have money? WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS TIMELINE
Cheez-it Bowl - I mean. Is this a joke? A bowl of cheez-its? Haw haw? Is somebody's dad the CEO over there? IS THIS THING ON???? (featuring Clemson as the Cheez-its in the bowl)
Duke's Mayo Bowl - Featuring North Carolina. I bet that makes them mad and it's hilarious.
The Suez Environment Waste Management Other Garbage Bowls
Tony The Tiger Sun Bowl - Sponsored by a mascot? Grrrrrrreat.
TransPerfect Music City Bowl - They were gonna sponsor this last year but they had to work all the bugs out of the software. TransPrettyGood just didn't have the same ring.
TicketSmarter Birmingham Bowl - Also known as the "We're trying to get sued by TicketMaster" bowl. Save your ticket stubs, they are valuable evidence.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
