This Week In Foobaw 2017 Week 1 (In Foobaw)

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LegendaryGT

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Week 0 gave us some fun moments, including the opportunity to watch some Beavers get Rammed in Colorado State's brand new stadium in front of 50,000+ people and on live television. You'll only get to see a spectacle like that once, folks. If you didn't like that joke, remember: it's non-GMO, zero calories, and gluten free, so you were probably kidding yourself going into it anyway.

While week 0 was the technical kickoff, week 1 is here to technically get us really kicked off in the B1G, then sort of technically kick us off again for good measure on Friday night, then actually really get us kicked off with a full Saturday of actual real college football, and then really actually kick us off again one more time somewhere in the back woods of West Virginia before kickoff of the conclusion of the actual Chik-Fil-A kickoff game, which I'll have you know is the actual, legal kickoff for college football, for contractual reasons, despite actually being two different games played two days apart. No matter how you get your kicks, is all I'm saying, you're good to go by Monday night. We've got you covered. Get it? Coverage? It's a kickoff joke.

Tonight, Thursday, August 31:

6:00 PM - FIU at UCF. It's football and you'll like it, or there will be no dessert. You can have Presbyterian at Wake forest (6:30 PM) if you want to, but you need to watch at least a little of one future opponent or this thread could be reported to child protective services for failure to provide a balanced diet.

7:00 PM - Tennessee State at THE Georgia State Sex Panthers. If you have to ask... you can't afford to know, ha ha! For this game, a team from the state of Tennessee comes into town to play football on an unorthodox day in a brand new stadium in the heart of the south, in what could be a neck-and-neck contest featuring a slew of hitherto unknown players, officially kicking off the college football season for the city and the... hold on, is it just me or is this not original at all? Seriously, guys?

7:00 PM - Buffalo at Minnesota. Buffalo still has that coach who was really good at his previous school. Minnesota has that new coach who also was really good at his previous school. I mean, this won't be anything resembling a football game, but it'll have coaches and stuff. Boats will most assuredly be rowed, and you may even get to learn the tragic backstory that makes PJ Fleck the batman-like superhero he is today. I wouldn't advise it, though, there isn't enough time or quality football after this game to fade the memory before the encroaching darkness of boredom-sleep isolates you from all humanity, alone with the fears and insecurities it instills in you forever. I mean, it's not Quinton Flowers tragic, but still. IT'S NOT A CONTEST PEOPLE.

7:30 PM - Tulsa at #10 Oklahoma State. Mike Gundy's mullet. There, that's out of the way. For the Cowboys, Tulsa is just another Chippewas squad what come in to get some proper officiating. Whoever the heck that team was came in last year and got a play (and indeed, a whole drive) that they didn't deserve, and instead of losing the game by 3 points at the last second, they threw a 51 yard hail Mary pass and won it by 3 points at the last second. Thus fell the number 22 squad in the land. That won't happen this year, it couldn't. Oklahoma State is ranked too high. 12 spots higher. Insurmountably high. Nevermind that Tulsa obliterated that Chippewa squad and lost a game just as freakish and last-secondly to Houston, yes the Houston that blasted Oklahoma, yes, the Oklahoma that eviscerated Oklahoma State. Nevermind that Tulsa's offense is widely considered plug and play and they return almost all of their defense and their coaches. This game is number 1 on Gundy's list, with a bullet. He's got his team 100% behind him and he's going to pull it to a win. He's got one objective in sight and he doesn't have to mull it over, you get me? It's going to be a hair raising event, is what I'm trying to say. The Cowboys can't afford to just win this one by a hair. Up by 3 with seconds left in this one? That'd be a pretty hairy situation, you feel me?

8:00 PM - Indiana vs #2 Ohio State. It's the first "conference" game of the season, featuring "playoff implications", and an "important" checkbox in Ohio State's "playoff" "resume" this time around will be "winning" it's "conference". We know that "every" game "counts", and a "loss" or even an "unimpressive" "win" could be the wispy thin thread that divides someone like a "Baylor or TCU" from someone like an "Ohio State", or someone like a "Penn State" from someone else, say like an "Ohio State". "Ohio State" fans wouldn't want to end up needing to make a better impression on the committee this year than "Ohio" "State", and so they have to take this "Indiana" game pretty seriously. "Every" "game" "really", "really" "matters", "after" "all". Also, Urban Meyer is Indiana football's daddy, since he immediately hired their best coach in 30 years to handle his light weight when Indiana just couldn't stand the rumors anymore and parted ways with him. He's coming back to town at the helm of an offense full of blue-chippers for some hate... friending... So uh... who knows what to expect? Gonna be a fun filled night of surprises, folks.

After that, please do not attempt to view any additional college football unless you are an advanced viewer, or are accompanied by a professional who is certified in advanced co-viewing. If you do not know exactly what you are doing at all times, or lack the proper supplies, you will become confused, lost, and possibly hurt. If you find yourself in an area where college football is playing, seek shelter and alcohol immediately, and attempt to make your distress obvious to others, who may recognize your frantic, pathetic calls for help and assist you in turning the football off and finding something else to do. If you are qualified, or absolutely desperate, we recommend New Mexico State at Arizona State for this after-hours wilderness segment. Arizona State is known to have a fine... student body... and you may be able to see some of it, as it is still in season at this time. Stay safe out there.
 
Friday, September 1 - A surprisingly interesting game in the 6 PM slot, at least 2 good ones at 8, and an ACC OOC thriller to wind out your evening starting at 9:30. This should actually be an entertaining night of football.

6:00 PM - Fordham at Army. Get you some option foobaw. The Fordham Rams went 8-3 last year in the Patriot League, an FCS football conference of which Army and Navy are core members in all sports except football. Holy Cross, which notably nearly upset UConn yesterday is also a member. Fordham lost 16-52 last year to Navy, but the last meeting between Fordham and Army in 2015 saw Fordham win it 37-35 on the way to a FCS playoff berth. Fordham's coach at the time is Penn State's OC today, but his successor is following his tracks, and the Rams haven't lost a step under him. Fordham returns the FCS rookie of the year at RB, and a senior QB in the Moorhead/Breiner system with a career 64.5 completion percent over 5900 yards and a 59/14 TD/INT ratio. Army was a good team last year, winning a bowl, beating Navy, and settling at 8-5 despite a 44-6 thrashing at the hands of a listless Notre Dame. This may actually end up being a pretty good, high scoring game of football!

7:00 PM - Central Connecticut State at The New Fast (Syracuse). If the other game gets out of hand too fast, you can flip over here and watch a game with a fellow ACC member led by the insatiable Dino Babers get out of hand too fast. CCSU went 2-9 last year, was something like #96 in the FCS in pass defense, and Syracuse put up 440 passing yards on Pitt in their finale, leaving the only question in my mind as: who will score more touchdowns, Syracuse, or Washington?

8:00 PM - #8 Washington at Rutgers. You know who these guys are. Washington absolutely trash-compacted almost everyone last year, including their Pac 12 championship opponent, leading them to the playoff, where they themselves were trash compacted by Alabama. Rutgers went 2-10, losing 49-0 to a 2-win Michigan State squad that had allowed even Furman to score 13 points. Rutgers coach Chris Ash is in his second year, desperately trying to figure out how to recruit while cleaning up the implosion left behind by Kyle Flood, while Washington's Chris Peterson is GPS-tuning his running backs with Russian satellite technology. Chris Peterson's in his fourth year now, so this is his likely most dangerous team yet. Rutgers is in serious trouble, but the Scarlet Knights have a secret weapon. Not sure how Washington will cope with that...

8:00 PM - Navy at Florida Atlantic. A team of celebrities led by a celebrity takes on the United States Naval Academy. Shield your eyes during the post-game handshake, Ken Niumatalolo and Lane Kiffin may produce a matter-antimatter explosion if and when they come in contact with each other. The line on this game is Navy by 10, which makes it seem like it could be one of the better games of the night. Lane Kiffin keeps getting billed as equal parts complete idiot and savant genius, so it will be interesting to see which side of him prevails without insane expectations or a stockpile of ridiculous talent. One thing's for sure: if you watch this game, you'll find yourself shocked at how many people you'll recognize, from coaches right on down to players, on an FAU team that you didn't even know existed until now.

8:00 PM - Colorado State vs Colorado. The fightin' Mike Bobos meet the fake 1990 national champions in Denver, and a team that steamrolled into the Pac 12 championship game last season only gets 3.5 points on the spread. The Rams looked absolutely dominant in their Week 0 disassembling of Oregon State, but Colorado figures, even after a considerable amount of turnover, to be a much tougher opponent. If CSU can pull this off, watch out for them to be a nationally ranked team going into next week. They get Bama in week 3. I'm rooting for Colorado State a bunch this season, so that Georgia fans can have two former coaches to pine over instead of just one. Anyway, give this game a look. It is definitely the best game of the night, and probably the best game yet this season.

9:00 PM - Utah State at #9 Eventual B1G Champion Wisconsin. There's a top 10 team here. They are going to win this game 33-10, just like they will every other game on their schedule, because they are Wisconsin. They may actually be the best, and most B1Ggest team in the conference, but everyone will be all "wow where did this team come from" when they smash all over everyone yet again.

9:30 PM - The Boston College Fighting Dudes at Northern Illinois. Northern Illinois is playing cloak-and-dagger QB games with BC, and won't reveal their starting quarterback prior to the game. Expect the announcers to say things like "even now, we don't know who's starting at QB for the Huskies" well into the 2nd quarter, because being secretive about a bunch of guys that practically nobody is looking for anyway is a potent recipe for anonymity, and it's likely that everyone has just resigned themselves to not knowing, at this point, because it doesn't really matter. Addazio is doing the same thing in return, but really, it's Darius Wade and everybody knows it. Saddazio. Enter year 5 of Addazio's 5 year plan at BC, where he's picked to finish last in the Atlantic, against the third-billed MAC attack. Oh man, BC is in trouble, aren't they?

Saturday, September 2 - U hype.

12:00 Noon - Maryland at #23 (HA) Texas. Watch as the B1G's prostitute makes Texas look like the #23 team in the land. Not entirely sure what that means. This is the debut of Tom Herman, he of Ohio State / Houston fame, which is the only reason this 5-7 team with a herd of problems is ranked. Rarely is the pressure on a coach so immense in his first year. Texas has been demanding a return to success from its coaches for like a decade straight now (that's right, the CitiBank Colt McCoy Hand Injury National Championship Game Brought To You By Home Depot was in 2009), and Herman's success needs to be super-immediate. 10 wins this year, or people will be talking about Tom's hot seat. If Tom goes 5-7, I think they'll just shut the program down and pretend the whole thing never happened. That said, Maryland football is freaking bad.

12:00 Noon - Wyoming at Iowa. Click here. Read this. Be hype, and get ready to enjoy watching some neanderthal football unfold in front of Wyoming QB Josh Allen, a guy who could be the first quarterback taken in this year's NFL draft. Lest you think that's all talk and hype, please pause to remember Carson Wentz, Bohl's last product, and a 3 time FCS national champion who is currently starting for the Eagles and drawing NFL playoff hype. Then just google "Josh Allen" and educate yourself. Craig Bohl is this generation's definitive master of man-mode football; he has assembled a very NDSU++ looking group at Wyoming, and it's a dangerous beast. Need I remind you yet again that Craig built the foundation of the NDSU squad that toppled a Kirk Ferentz Iowa not so long ago, brick by brick? Craig Bohl, what is best in life? Watch this game.

12:20 PM - California at North Carolina. California fired the inimitable Sonny Dykes, he of the coast-to-coast non-stop touchdown tour, and hired a DC as their head coach. Nobody knows what that team is going to look like, as it performs a strategic U-turn at 75,000 mph (Sonny Dykes' last known velocity before he escaped Earth's gravity and plunged into the sun (for a touchdown)). North Carolina lost 100% of all things they loved, is staring down the barrel of the NCAA, and will need their "defense" to carry the game, something which has only been observed in laboratory experiments. The state of disarray on both sidelines is most assuredly going to lead to some epic head-scratchers. So break out your tone generators and brush up on your harmonic sequences as you attempt to establish basic communication with this bizarre alien visitor to our world. It's gonna be an unfamiliar place out there.

2:00 PM - Portland State at Oregon State. Another day, another group of Beavers at risk as the Vikings sail through the area. Because you know what Vikings do! They hang tough with physical programs like BYU for 60 minutes. Oregon State got mushed against Colorado State, and really did look like the inferior program in doing it. They'll have a better chance against Portland State this week, but a loss is faaaaaaaaaaar from out of the question. Could this be it? Our first FCS upset of the year?

3:00 PM - NC State vs South Carolina. NC State takes the level-up version of a team that was oh-so-close to the top teams in the Atlantic (best division in college football) in its contests last year and attacks the most recent iteration of Coach Boom, in what should be a fantastically red game. Red Wolfpack, Red Gamecocks, red Muschamp-yelling-face. This is the first installment of the annual ACC-SEC pissing contest, and both teams are probably mad decent yo. I'm not suggesting that South Carolina update the whole Darude thing they got going on, or anything okay yes I am.
 
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3:30 PM - #11 Michigan vs 88.2% of #17 Florida. Yes, 11.8% of the Florida roster is suspended or otherwise unavailable, including their best WR and RB. McElwain hasn't recruited anywhere near what Florida is accustomed to, it seems, and now Michigan is bringing a team to town that is going to make them look very un-SEC like. Mean on both lines, lean in the backfield, and led by someone who might be an actual cannibal who has only whatever the exact opposite of chill is, Michigan is not really in a position to lose this one. Florida will probably only rise 2 spots after this quality loss, it's going to be so bad.

4:00 PM - Eastern Washington at Texas Tech. If we haven't already had our first FCS upset of the year by this point, this will be it. Eastern Washington upset Washington State in week 1 of 2016, finished in the top 5 of the FCS, and they return quarterbacking phenomenon Gage Gubrud, who will instill fear into any defense, but especially into what passes for a defense at Texas Tech. EWU faithful see the hints of one of the best Eagles teams of all time in this year's roster, despite a coaching change coming off a 12-2 year and a little turnover. The defense should be improved in the third year running their 4-2-5 scheme, returning a lot on the line including a 320 lb nose tackle, and the offensive line is stacked with veterans. Their formula is simple, attack through the air, all over the field, and never stop. And THAT is a nightmare to Texas Tech. Now, Texas Tech is probably going to be fielding yet another rendition of an offense that can score any time anywhere, so certainly this will be a ridiculous, irresponsible shootout. Whatever the over is, take it, and remember: buckling your seatbelt does not improve your odds of survival at these speeds.

5:15 PM - Western Michigan at #4 USC. Western Michigan finished with a super impressive record last year, and might be able to scare USC if they sleepwalk in. Just keep an eye on this one, but in all likelihood, it'll be over pretty quickly.

6:15 PM - Appalachian State at #15 (LOL) Georgia. The team that shocked Tennessee and got blasted by Mark Richt last year comes to town to face the team that couldn't put Nicholls State away. Great schadenfreude lurks just beyond the veil, waiting to be unleashed. Ain't shit else on, so grab your folding chair and popcorn.

7:30 PM - #16 Louisville vs Purdue. You may be aware by now that Purdue has hired Jeff Brohm of Western Kentucky fame. You may even know that the man would like football to be played, so long as all involved parties have pulses. Louisville will be running behind Heisman winner Lamar Jackson and at the behest of an evil football wizard who may or may not be undead, so we know they will score points, but their defense has had some struggles, and Brohm will have his attack wide open as possible given the makeshift parts of a football team he could find at Purdue, so this could end up being an unexpectedly exciting game.

7:30 PM - South Alabama at Ole Miss. South Alabama picked off a team from the state of Mississippi last year, and that team hadn't even just had its head coach assassinated by insurgents working for the prior regime. Who knows? Keep an eye on this one, and maybe watch if it's close in the 4th quarter. Great potential for schadenfreude abounds.

8:00 PM - #3 Florida State vs #1 Alabama. this game prolly be ok i guess

8:00 PM - Vanderbilt at Middle Tennessee State. Behold, the weirdest dang stats in modern CFB history. You can expect that weird mismatch to not occur again this year, probably, which means that this MTSU attack, which should be one of its best ever, could potentially shred Vanderbilt to the tune of many many points instead of just many many yards this time around. Vanderbilt may also be a bit improved on offense, given the rhythm they found at the end of last year, so this should end up being a competitive 60 minutes of football. Minor potential for SEC schadenfreude exists here, especially if the SEC drops any of its other OOC matchups this weekend.

9:30 PM - BYU vs #13 LSU. Also known as the Hurricane Harvey Bowl. This game was scheduled to be played in NRG Stadium in Houston, but instead will move to a different stadium that was somewhat recently the site of a hurricane inflicted disaster. LSU has just been a magnet for terrible weather over the last little while. If they ever schedule a game in Atlanta to open the season, run, run like hell. To the game, LSU has a couple of important players absent on the DL, which could be a boon for BYU. The Cougars are going to look to make this a physical, low scoring affair for LSU, so this should be a perfect game to begin lulling you to sleep for the evening.

There is... stuff... on after this, but not really. Western Carolina at Hawaii kicks at 11:59 PM If you really can't get enough.

Sunday, September 3

7:30 PM - #22 West Virginia vs #21 Virginia Tech. How will we tell them apart? Oh yeah, I remember.

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7:30 PM - Texas A&M at UCLA. Brought to you by Indeed.com, let employers find you.

Monday, September 4

8:00 PM - #25 Tennessee vs Georgia Tech. Find my special video preview here. Remember that, because you're probably going to see it if you're not at the game.

Enjoy!
 
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B A S E D
ThisIsAtlanta said:
8:00 PM - Indiana vs #2 Ohio State. It's the first "conference" game of the season, featuring "playoff implications", and an "important" checkbox in Ohio State's "playoff" "resume" this time around will be "winning" it's "conference". We know that "every" game "counts", and a "loss" or even an "unimpressive" "win" could be the wispy thin thread that divides someone like a "Baylor or TCU" from someone like an "Ohio State", or someone like a "Penn State" from someone else, say like an "Ohio State". "Ohio State" fans wouldn't want to end up needing to make a better impression on the committee this year than "Ohio" "State", and so they have to take this "Indiana" game pretty seriously. "Every" "game" "really", "really" "matters", "after" "all". Also, Urban Meyer is Indiana football's daddy, since he immediately hired their best coach in 30 years to handle his light weight when Indiana just couldn't stand the rumors anymore and parted ways with him. He's coming back to town at the helm of an offense full of blue-chippers for some hate... friending... So uh... who knows what to expect? Gonna be a fun filled night of surprises, folks.
Click to expand...
This is an October-caliber post, in August.
 
The Jacket said:
B A S E D

This is an October-caliber post, in August.
Click to expand...

But the real question is whether TIA will manage to finish a season. The past few seasons have seen him go on the DL around mid-year, never to return to his role as preview scribe. Can he break the jinx this year?
 
coit said:
But the real question is whether TIA will manage to finish a season. The past few seasons have seen him go on the DL around mid-year, never to return to his role as preview scribe. Can he break the jinx this year?
Click to expand...

2015 I was overtaken by my alternate personality mid year, it was the only way to cope with that season. 2016 was a special case, got too busy to breathe most days. This year's the year. We goin all the way. Unless we don't.
 
ThisIsAtlanta said:
2015 I was overtaken by my alternate personality mid year, it was the only way to cope with that season. 2016 was a special case, got too busy to breathe most days. This year's the year. We goin all the way. Unless we don't.
Click to expand...
12-0 baybee!
 
Thanks. Wish I had Hulu but don't. Just want to watch something while I'm at work for the next 20 hours....
 
Ceiling Cat said:
Thanks. Wish I had Hulu but don't. Just want to watch something while I'm at work for the next 20 hours....
Click to expand...

Hulu is doing a one month free trial right now. You can sign up with no commitment and cancel tomorrow. Probly takes minutes. ULM at Memphis is on CBSSN later tonight, too.
 
ThisIsAtlanta said:
Hulu is doing a one month free trial right now. You can sign up with no commitment and cancel tomorrow. Probly takes minutes. ULM at Memphis is on CBSSN later tonight, too.
Click to expand...
This is actually something I recommend taking advantage of, as I have. They let you add pretty much everything to your trial, HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, live TV streaming, etc. Definitely handy for those who want to watch the less-than-premier games.
 
Don't forget the mighty KSU owls are playing tonight. Hopefully, they'll start the season with a W against Samford
 
The rest of the games are added. Le bump. Had to edit a few Saturday games into the Friday post to get around the 10,000 character limit.
 
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