This Week In Foobaw 2017 Week 5 (In Foobaw)

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LegendaryGT

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There's not a whole hell of a lot of man-drama going down on the field this week, so we'll take some time out of our stats and on-field drama tunnel-vision routine to look around at our fellow fans and warm our hearts with the patent absurdity, raucous chicanery, and dubious legality that only college aged hooligans stuck in the bodies, bank accounts, and law enforcement badges of fully mature adults can produce. This week in foobaw, it's COPS week. (And due to the 5 media embed limit per post, it's going to be a 49,723 parter, it seems.)

Thursday, September 28

8:00 PM - Texas at Iowa State. Don't look now, but Iowa State's quarterback Jacob Park has thrown for almost 1000 yards, 8/2TDI, and over 70% completion. He was only 54% versus Iowa, but also threw 4 TDs. The cyclones are averaging 41 points per game, two better than the 39 point average three game stretch they brought into Texas last year. Before getting crushed 27-6. Boring, I know, but I've got your back. To find the real action in Ames, all you gotta do is go downtown to the Donut Disrespect Network.







#LIT #NowYouReady #DonutDisrespect

I'll probably end up doing a separate post for many of the games ITT, so get ready for a busy thread, I guess.
 
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Friday, September 29

7:00 PM - #14 Miami at Duke. Yet another "best Duke team EVER" under David Cutcliffe, who last led the Blue Devils to a win over a ranked Miami squad in 2013 in their post-FSU collapse. That was under Al Golden, though, and the Dukies have not yet topped a Mark Richt coached team, and it's highly improbable that they will not do so this year as well. Although... Miami's worst games against Duke have all come in Durham recently, and Friday night ACC magic does happen, so who knows.

The Durham and Duke police departments don't seem to be aware of the existence of Duke Football. #What'sNew

Anybody remember this hot garbage?


8:00 PM - Nebraska at Illinois, BYU at Utah State. Yes, these are also being of the games of the foot ball. Nebraska could lose to anybody, but probably won't lose to Illinois, and the other game is the Mormon #MormOff of very little consequence. That said, head on over to the Lincoln Police twitter for a healthy dose of a police department ruthlessly mocking the shit out of everyone it comes in contact with. Not much football related (I mean, look at the state of Nebraska Football, can you blame them?) but some real gems in there anyway:






I'm sure that will contain many fine tweets on Friday night!

10:30 PM - #5 USC at #16 Washington State. Who the hell thought a 10:30 kick was a good idea for a game of this magnitude? It's going to stray dangerously far into the midnight football zone where nothing makes sense and nobody is watching. We'll all wake up Saturday morning with a brand new CFB landscape around us wondering what happened. You shouldn't call the cops this time, though, because it might be part of the conspiracy against Coug football, and you don't want to get wrapped up in that. Washington State's relationship with the police is less than rosy, owing to a certain crazy dude who does not give a dang what anyone thinks. As a result, the WSU police department has not said anything regarding football at all in more than two weeks, and the Pullman PD is sticking to the basic facts of parking information. OH WELL I GUESS WE WILL HAVE TO SETTLE FOR A TOP 25 MATCHUP WITH PLAYOFF IMPLICATIONS THEN UGH.
 
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Saturday, September 30

12:00 PM - Vanderbilt at #21 Florida. Florida is an eminently beatable team, but seems to have some kind of devil magic on their side against which only the arcane shamanism of Jim Harbaugh is effective. Jim McElwain basically delivered his own eulogy after their last second comeback against Kentucky, and Vanderbilt just got done getting Bama, so who knows what this game is going to look like. Well, aside from the police, who are intimately familiar with the current Florida Gators. And lest you think the outreach here is isolated, know that Gainesville PD regularly practices community outreach through sports! Ha ha! The police down there are getting involved more and more by the hour. Vanderbilt fans in the area would do well to understand that, while you may have wanted Bama, you do NOT want Florida.

12:00 PM - North Carolina at Georgia Tech. The police are a sore subject on this one for now, so we'll tactfully skip the levity here today. North Carolina is in exceedingly rough shape, with 22 injuries and rising by the moment, while Georgia Tech is absolutely dominant on offense and rapidly improving on defense. Show up and cheer on the jackets for the expected result, and maybe even get drunk in public at the hobo tailgate.

3:30 PM - Indiana at #4 Penn State. After surviving a rough trip to Kirk Ferentz U, Penn State now has to take on the even more subversively good-at-football Indiana University Hoosiers. Will Saquon Barkley be enough to overtake the NFL all-pro passing attack and stout DL of IU, or will we see a playoff upset in this slot? Could be a fun one. Police in the area are dealing with their own fun problem, this time of year.

In Phillipsburg, actual clowns were actually sighted four different times over two days. Police reported that a jester chased a child with a sword and that cars full of clowns made their ways through the streets.

Threats, sightings and scares grew to a point where officers had to publicly discourage the idea of "hunting" clowns, something the Pennsylvania State Police stands by.
Click to expand...

I doubt that the Pennsylvanian official "no clown hunting" policy will help Dabo sleep much easier in the playoffs.

3:30 PM - #7 Georgia at Tennessee. No word on how UT Police are going to be handling the arrival of the Athens Correctional Facility football team, or whether there are enough jail cells in Knoxville to handle the fallout from tailgating. After a bit of a scandal back in 2014, the police departments surrounding the Vols football program were forced to publicly distance themselves, and that's how you know you have it good. In the absence of any real public interaction during this instant-classic playoff game of alcohol abuse and stupidity, what is known is only that trash cans all over the city will be violated with checkerboard orange patterns (but left empty of any actual refuse), bail bondsmen will be made wealthy (by well known repeat customers), Wal-Mart staff will be confused by the sudden dramatic influx (of highly impressed new shoppers), and I am going to order a Pizza at 3:25 PM (suck it, dwags).

3:30 PM - Florida State at Wake Forest. Only here because FSU is winless and WF is undefeated in week 5 and when is the next time in your life you will ever see a game start this way? Imagine the kind of rioting that will emerge in Tallahassee if FSU doesn't win.
 
God bless. I was sitting around trying to find someway to avoid work.
 
Mike Leach for President. Oh, wait, we've already got that.
 
6:00 PM - #24 Mississippi State at #13 Auburn. All right everyone, time to roll back out the SEC rankings snark, as Auburn has beaten precisely Georgia Southern, Mercer, and Mizzou to reach the top 15. What a freaking joke, almost as much of a joke as the Auburn PD's news and social media presence, which I can't really identify, coming in underneath Auburn California and Auburn Georgia. Maybe that's on purpose though, so we won't be able to identify their secret base under the north end zone of Jordan-Hare. It might also be due to the fact that Auburn uses the same police forces to do security at its games as the ones used by Alabama (that's right, the Tuscaloosa PD). Talk about running your state...

8:00 PM - #2 Clemson at #12 Virginia Tech. On their way to another play-date with Alabama in the CFP Championship Threematch of the Century, Clemson has to make a stop in a little old place called Blacksburg. There they will have to deal with the hillbilly hooliganism of camo-clad upstarts who think they've got an elite team. Clemson just survived its trap game with BC, while VT just finished playing its last tune-up game for the year against ODU. Without their win over then #22 West Virginia, the Hokies #12 rating would be even more comical than Auburn's, but no, they at least played somebody. Don't buy the hype for this one, though, just pour one out for Lamar Jackson if you get too excited. As for the police over at VT? They are just having a good time.





I'm assuming this is how they recruit. :lol:

8:00 PM - #15 Oklahoma State at Texas Tech. Oklahoma State just got decisively beaten by TCU, and now undefeated Texas Tech is playing defense and Oklahoma State fans are just dejected flotsam in the emotional meat grinder of a game played by people who are mostly still teens. This is a super dangerous place to have a hangover for OKST, as sloppy play could fall right into the chaotic jaws of Texas Tech's defense, with which the team ranks second nationally in turnover margin.

Here's what is essentially an episode of COPS that Texas Tech made in 2008, for whatever reason.


Alcohol might be a factor.

8:00 PM - Ole Miss at #1 Alabama. Ah Alabama, where it's not impossible that the officers who will be arresting you for public intoxication are just as lit as you are. They could also be on a mission from God. Prooooobably no both, I'm going to wager, but stranger things have happened. It's also likely that they'll still be getting a lot of overtime pay from the city, while the school looks the other way. Now that's how you athletics like a pro. Alabama is favored by 4 touchdowns over Ole Miss, which just lost in embarrassing fashion to a team that is decidedly less good at football than Alabama. Ole Miss is scandal ridden, broken down, pissed off, and just plain has nothing to lose, while still sporting the nations #4 passing offense. In a primetime spot, what's the worst that could happen?

Well... You could end up in jail in Alabama, anyways.
 
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