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It had been a long, boring offseason, until August 1. Then, suddenly, Ohio State fell into a sulfuric pit freshly cracked into the crust of the earth. Maryland followed. Drama reached out from Urban Meyer's cell phone and wound up as far away as the White House guest restroom (and therefor probably some unlucky NSA guy's database). Legs exploded, packages were discretely delivered, cultures (and other things) were exposed, and then fall camps began. Football season has come out of nowhere with such a ferocious charge that, if it continues at this pace, it'll be something out of the bizarre realm of daytime soap operas and b-list sci-fi movies by the time it's done.
So to get you ready for a world like that, this week in foobaw, it's Week 1 - Part 1, with extra drama, and I've even enlisted the help of professionals!
Saturday, August 25
5:30 PM - Duquesne at UMass. The first official college football game of the season! You may remember UMass as that newly independent team that started the 2017 season losing in their home rent-a-stadium to Hawaii (one of the longest away trips in football history), then losing at Coastal Carolina and in 4 straight other games before snapping their streak against USF. Because that game was cancelled. Coach Mark Whipple's team actually put it all together for the second half of the season, closing out 4 of their last 6 games, dropping only to #16 Miss State and The Lane Kiffin University Pew Pew Laser Beams, and picking up wins over BYU and App State in the process. You may... not remember Duquesne. If Whipple and his staff can hold on to the magic, this game will not be close. If it ends up being close, though, it could capture quite another kind of magic. It's one of just four games on the day, and probably still won't be televised.
Extra Drama: After a meeting at midfield, Mark Whipple (Robert Downey Jr) realizes the Duquesne head coach (Tim Curry) is his real father. His anger toward the wealthy and powerful UMass boosters (George Clooney and John Travolta) that stole him from his parents as an infant drives him down a dangerous path of revenge. (Average viewer rating: 1.2 out of 5 stars.)
7:00 PM - Prarie View at Rice. Rice won a single game last year and fired their coach. Prarie View played a NAIA team called Bacone College (and won in a weird game where the opposing quarterback threw for 196 yards and a TD but the team never collected a single first down). If new Rice coach Mike Bloomgren (of Stanford fame) can't find a lot of help somewhere on the roster, this could be close. It's on ESPN+, which is now a thing.
Extra Drama: Mike Bloomgren (Dolph Lundgren) is confronted in the team locker room before the game by his evil clone. Unable to determine which is the real Mike, his athletic director (Samuel L. Jackson) must resort to spying for the Russians (Tom Cruise), who have the world's only evil clone detector, to save the coach. (Average viewer rating: 1.4 out of 5 stars)
7:30 PM - Hawaii at Colorado State. It's a long trip into the predictable jaws of the fightin' Mike Bobos for Nick Rolovich's team, which could only ever show up in these previews by playing weird games of football it (almost) always loses. Still, it's the first fully FBS kickoff of the 2018 season, it's technically a conference game, and, of course, it's on CBS Sports. Oh also, Hawaii might be good enough to do this. Get hype.
Extra Drama: Hawaii quarterback Cole McDonald (Ewan McGregor) decides to treat his pre-game insomnia with some of the state's now-legal product. Late at night, there are few options, and a purchase at a shady underground dispensary and black magic store leaves him more than high -- he is possessed by Satan. Coach Nick Rolovich (Viggo Mortensen) must now choose between an undefeated season and national championship... and his quarterback's soul. (Average viewer rating: 1.9 out of 5 stars.)
8:00 PM - Wyoming at New Mexico State. A purely wide-rimmed-hat-wearing agricultural affair, this will probably be the best game of the night by many standards. Both teams won bowls last year, and could be fairly evenly matched. New Mexico State brings in a preference for high scoring offense (7 games of 30+ points) while Wyoming brings in a patented Craig Bohl soul-crushing defense (7 games of 14 or less points).
Extra Drama: New Mexico State head coach Doug Martin (Henry Cavill) has his memories erased by a rogue madman (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) before the game. When he awakens from the procedure, he's told that he has placed a million dollar bet in the casino of a notorious gangster (Matthew McConaughey)... against his own team! But does this bet really exist, and can the madman be caught before he strikes again? (Average viewer rating: 2.4 out of 5 stars)
Thursday, August 30
7:00 PM - Kennesaw State at Georgia State. Kennesaw State turned out to be a real good FCS team last year, going undefeated in the Big South and advancing to the FCS playoff quarterfinals. Georgia State lost to an FCS team to debut its new home turf at Turner Field, although it went on to play in and win a bowl. Aside from the obvious in-state interests, this game could end up being close, although Georgia State is understandably favored.
Extra Drama: Georgia State coach Shawn Elliott (Kevin Spacey) reveals at kickoff that he is in control of a top secret government mind-control satellite, and it is aimed directly at Turner Field. Kennesaw State head coach Brian Bohannon (Jeff Bridges) must find a way to win the game with a group of players who suddenly think they are famous celebrities and historical figures. "An inspiring romp." "2018's top comedy." (Average viewer rating: 2.0 out of 5 stars)
7:00 PM - UCF at UConn. This is also technically a conference game, but it's also technically the first rivalry game of the season! What's that you say? The trophy has been lost, both teams disavow the rivalry, and this game is just a game again? Hogwash, I say. College football never lets go of things like this. Should you tune into ESPNU (yes, it's televised) before the game, you're sure to hear, among all the other interesting stories and anecdotes about the long history of this series, a yarn or two about the Civil Conflict trophy: the trophy that nobody wanted, and was only played for twice before it was unceremoniously left on the field as the team boarded the busses.
Extra Drama: The Civil Conflict trophy (Christian Bale) is left for dead on the sidelines after watching its family die in a hail of savage tweets. Found and brought back from beyond the grave by a mysterious voodoo social media sorceror (Lane Kiffin, in his movie debut), the trophy becomes a heavily armed vigilante that will stop at nothing to exact revenge on Scott Frost (Willem Dafoe). (Be the first to rate this show)
7:00 PM - New Mexico State at Minnesota. Playing two games in week 0 is becoming a tradition of sorts, and the baton this year is passed from the Rainbow Warriors to the Aggies (and the Rams, as well). Minnesota missed a bowl game last year, but is favored heavily nonetheless.
Extra Drama: New Mexico State head coach Doug Martin (Matt Bomer) must seek the help of the rogue madman who erased his memories (Javier Bardem) to travel back in time and prevent a hit man (Gary Busey) from ending his life at the Wyoming game. But when he arrives in the past, he lands right in the lap of his old enemy (Matthew McConaughey)! (Average viewer rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars)
8:00 PM - Northwestern at Purdue. Northwestern won 10 games last year, Purdue finally wasn't quite Purdue last year. They are both technically in the same conference. Northwestern won this one the last go-round 23-13.
Extra Drama: Purdue Coach Jeff Brohm (Jim Carey) and sideline reporter Maria Taylor (Taraji P. Henderson) are conducting a pre-game interview on the field when the microphone malfunctions, zapping them both unconscious. When they wake up, moments later, they are shocked to find that they have swapped bodies. The unlikely duo must now figure out what happened and find a way to undo it, all while trying not to get each other fired. "Winner of the Japan Film Festival Los Angeles." (Average viewer rating: 2.9 out of 5 stars)
Also in this time slot: Wake Forest at Tulane. Watch a conference foe beat up on a green wave. Missouri State at Oklahoma State. Watch a lot of touchdowns.
So to get you ready for a world like that, this week in foobaw, it's Week 1 - Part 1, with extra drama, and I've even enlisted the help of professionals!
Saturday, August 25
5:30 PM - Duquesne at UMass. The first official college football game of the season! You may remember UMass as that newly independent team that started the 2017 season losing in their home rent-a-stadium to Hawaii (one of the longest away trips in football history), then losing at Coastal Carolina and in 4 straight other games before snapping their streak against USF. Because that game was cancelled. Coach Mark Whipple's team actually put it all together for the second half of the season, closing out 4 of their last 6 games, dropping only to #16 Miss State and The Lane Kiffin University Pew Pew Laser Beams, and picking up wins over BYU and App State in the process. You may... not remember Duquesne. If Whipple and his staff can hold on to the magic, this game will not be close. If it ends up being close, though, it could capture quite another kind of magic. It's one of just four games on the day, and probably still won't be televised.
Extra Drama: After a meeting at midfield, Mark Whipple (Robert Downey Jr) realizes the Duquesne head coach (Tim Curry) is his real father. His anger toward the wealthy and powerful UMass boosters (George Clooney and John Travolta) that stole him from his parents as an infant drives him down a dangerous path of revenge. (Average viewer rating: 1.2 out of 5 stars.)
7:00 PM - Prarie View at Rice. Rice won a single game last year and fired their coach. Prarie View played a NAIA team called Bacone College (and won in a weird game where the opposing quarterback threw for 196 yards and a TD but the team never collected a single first down). If new Rice coach Mike Bloomgren (of Stanford fame) can't find a lot of help somewhere on the roster, this could be close. It's on ESPN+, which is now a thing.
Extra Drama: Mike Bloomgren (Dolph Lundgren) is confronted in the team locker room before the game by his evil clone. Unable to determine which is the real Mike, his athletic director (Samuel L. Jackson) must resort to spying for the Russians (Tom Cruise), who have the world's only evil clone detector, to save the coach. (Average viewer rating: 1.4 out of 5 stars)
7:30 PM - Hawaii at Colorado State. It's a long trip into the predictable jaws of the fightin' Mike Bobos for Nick Rolovich's team, which could only ever show up in these previews by playing weird games of football it (almost) always loses. Still, it's the first fully FBS kickoff of the 2018 season, it's technically a conference game, and, of course, it's on CBS Sports. Oh also, Hawaii might be good enough to do this. Get hype.
Extra Drama: Hawaii quarterback Cole McDonald (Ewan McGregor) decides to treat his pre-game insomnia with some of the state's now-legal product. Late at night, there are few options, and a purchase at a shady underground dispensary and black magic store leaves him more than high -- he is possessed by Satan. Coach Nick Rolovich (Viggo Mortensen) must now choose between an undefeated season and national championship... and his quarterback's soul. (Average viewer rating: 1.9 out of 5 stars.)
8:00 PM - Wyoming at New Mexico State. A purely wide-rimmed-hat-wearing agricultural affair, this will probably be the best game of the night by many standards. Both teams won bowls last year, and could be fairly evenly matched. New Mexico State brings in a preference for high scoring offense (7 games of 30+ points) while Wyoming brings in a patented Craig Bohl soul-crushing defense (7 games of 14 or less points).
Extra Drama: New Mexico State head coach Doug Martin (Henry Cavill) has his memories erased by a rogue madman (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) before the game. When he awakens from the procedure, he's told that he has placed a million dollar bet in the casino of a notorious gangster (Matthew McConaughey)... against his own team! But does this bet really exist, and can the madman be caught before he strikes again? (Average viewer rating: 2.4 out of 5 stars)
Thursday, August 30
7:00 PM - Kennesaw State at Georgia State. Kennesaw State turned out to be a real good FCS team last year, going undefeated in the Big South and advancing to the FCS playoff quarterfinals. Georgia State lost to an FCS team to debut its new home turf at Turner Field, although it went on to play in and win a bowl. Aside from the obvious in-state interests, this game could end up being close, although Georgia State is understandably favored.
Extra Drama: Georgia State coach Shawn Elliott (Kevin Spacey) reveals at kickoff that he is in control of a top secret government mind-control satellite, and it is aimed directly at Turner Field. Kennesaw State head coach Brian Bohannon (Jeff Bridges) must find a way to win the game with a group of players who suddenly think they are famous celebrities and historical figures. "An inspiring romp." "2018's top comedy." (Average viewer rating: 2.0 out of 5 stars)
7:00 PM - UCF at UConn. This is also technically a conference game, but it's also technically the first rivalry game of the season! What's that you say? The trophy has been lost, both teams disavow the rivalry, and this game is just a game again? Hogwash, I say. College football never lets go of things like this. Should you tune into ESPNU (yes, it's televised) before the game, you're sure to hear, among all the other interesting stories and anecdotes about the long history of this series, a yarn or two about the Civil Conflict trophy: the trophy that nobody wanted, and was only played for twice before it was unceremoniously left on the field as the team boarded the busses.
Extra Drama: The Civil Conflict trophy (Christian Bale) is left for dead on the sidelines after watching its family die in a hail of savage tweets. Found and brought back from beyond the grave by a mysterious voodoo social media sorceror (Lane Kiffin, in his movie debut), the trophy becomes a heavily armed vigilante that will stop at nothing to exact revenge on Scott Frost (Willem Dafoe). (Be the first to rate this show)
7:00 PM - New Mexico State at Minnesota. Playing two games in week 0 is becoming a tradition of sorts, and the baton this year is passed from the Rainbow Warriors to the Aggies (and the Rams, as well). Minnesota missed a bowl game last year, but is favored heavily nonetheless.
Extra Drama: New Mexico State head coach Doug Martin (Matt Bomer) must seek the help of the rogue madman who erased his memories (Javier Bardem) to travel back in time and prevent a hit man (Gary Busey) from ending his life at the Wyoming game. But when he arrives in the past, he lands right in the lap of his old enemy (Matthew McConaughey)! (Average viewer rating: 2.5 out of 5 stars)
8:00 PM - Northwestern at Purdue. Northwestern won 10 games last year, Purdue finally wasn't quite Purdue last year. They are both technically in the same conference. Northwestern won this one the last go-round 23-13.
Extra Drama: Purdue Coach Jeff Brohm (Jim Carey) and sideline reporter Maria Taylor (Taraji P. Henderson) are conducting a pre-game interview on the field when the microphone malfunctions, zapping them both unconscious. When they wake up, moments later, they are shocked to find that they have swapped bodies. The unlikely duo must now figure out what happened and find a way to undo it, all while trying not to get each other fired. "Winner of the Japan Film Festival Los Angeles." (Average viewer rating: 2.9 out of 5 stars)
Also in this time slot: Wake Forest at Tulane. Watch a conference foe beat up on a green wave. Missouri State at Oklahoma State. Watch a lot of touchdowns.
