Excerpts from Kirby Smart's Diary

3-12-1983

The kids in the neighborhood keep laughing at me because I was named after a vacuum cleaner. It really hurts when they call me "suck face". Why, oh why, didn't my parents name me Hoover?
 
Nov 26, 2016

Woohooo, Hustler just offered me 2 million for the transcript of my playcalling. They said they have never seen so much pussy in one place before.
 
11/26/2016

Dear diary, Paul Johnson is a meanie. After the game he shook my hand and told me he and Donald Trump we going to "grab me by the pussy. Get used to it"
 
Nov 26, 2016

Mark Richt just gave me a trophy for winning the turnover battle. It looks just like that place on my wife only Lane is allowed to touch.
 
We installed a Dunkin Donuts, a Dreamland BBQ and a Chick-fil-a in the stadium. If the fans are going to walk out early, they shouldn't leave hungry. Hunker down you hungry dawgs!

My son looks a lot like Lane Kiffen.
 
8-10-17 Gosh doesn't Eason have great hair. Wish my hair was like his!!!! Note to self- ask him for his hairdresser's name tomorrow. Oh yeah, we practiced today.
 
08-11-17 During film study today I ran my fingers through Jacob's hair. He must have like it since he didn't tell me to stop; I know I did. I hope he lets me do it tomorrow.

PS. Funny thing when I drove home today I saw Lane driving the other way. I wonder why he didn't stop by since he was in the neighborhood???
 
08-12-17 Today I called Mr. Saban to ask him for permission to go to Six Flags. He said, "Kirby, you're an adult. You need to stop asking for permission to do things and go places. Grow some balls." Then he hung up. I think that means yes, but I didn't get to ask if I could ride Superman. Maybe Jacob will come with me.
 
8-12-17 Real estate agents keep leaving fliers at my door asking if I plan to sell in the next 6 months.
 
gtphd said:
08-12-17 Today I called Mr. Saban to ask him for permission to go to Six Flags. He said, "Kirby, you're an adult. You need to stop asking for permission to do things and go places. Grow some balls." Then he hung up. I think that means yes, but I didn't get to ask if I could ride Superman. Maybe Jacob will come with me.
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8/12/17: Apparently, I am too short to ride the Batman ride. I should have worn my fancy Sunday shoes with the taller heel.
 
08/12/17 Stopped by Great Clips to get my haircut today. The stylist asked me what cut I wanted. I showed her a picture of Jacob that I keep in my wallet. For some reason she laughed at me and asked what cut do I really want. So I pointed at the 8 year old boy in the chair next to me and told her I want one like his.
 
WracerX said:
Nov 19, 2016

Not sure why Nick said he rubs icy hot in his butthole before fcs games to keep concentration. It just burns. I asked Jason to take a look to make sure I was doing it right, but he refused. Not sure that guy is all in for the team.
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I was sitting in a bar when lane kiffen
walked up to me and asked, "If you woke up
in the woods and scratched your butt
and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"

I said "Hell no!"

Lane then asked, "If you felt further into your
crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"

I said, "Of course not."

Lane asked me "Wanna go camping?"
 
Today I finally knew I needed to poop before I pooped. I finally sat on the potty like a big boy too! I forgot to pull my big boy pants down but that's okay because I'm getting better everyday! Mr. Nick always told me just get better. So I'm getting better and feel like I'm bringing the Bama way to Athens because Mr. Nick is with me.
 
Mama told me to remember to wipe. No wonder Coach Johnson always looks like he smelled something bad around me.
 
08-18-17 - Got my GT season tix today. Firing me midway through the season still won't keep me out of the GT/UGAg game. Knowing what I know, I have put all my severance package on Tech. Go Tech, THWG. Dumbass mutts think hiring Kiffin mid-season is an improvement?
 
Jacob Eisun gettin hurt ws the best thing tht happenet to the teim tish year. Jake From state farm is much better. I hope Pickle Richkt doesn't go for easun. wufwufwuf
 
Nov 12, 2017

Dear dairy, im glad we dont got to play auburn again that was imbursing. i hope bama dont win the west cause i dont want to play no more hard teams. its weered bama stayed the same win i left. its weered too that saban always called me incommitent, i go to the potty normal.
 
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