Calvin Johnson made Quicken Loans a brand I can trust. I'm indebted to him for that forever.
Fortunately, there's Quicken Loans! With practically zero hassle, and markedly less physical violence and agony than I anticipated, I was able to pay Calvin once I remortgaged the core concept of the hypothetical home I hoped to refinance for the fifth time in four months! And thanks to the new Quickening program, I was able to afford the first two days of interest payments by taking out a loan on my very real, hell-bound soul and the vast amounts of energy it will unleash upon my death. And the timing could
not have been better, since I'm scheduled to be Quixecuted in just
two short hours for failure to pay on a loan Quicken made to a Guatemalan teenage girl who died in 1986! That's right! Quicken Loans and their corporate partners are the
masters of time travel and they will hunt you through all of time and space and take their money right out of your delinquent ass! And at nearly no extra cost to you!
So what are you waiting for? Submit the essence of your being to the capitalist manifestation of Roko's basilisk today, and forsake those hopes and dreams you once hoped any of your descendants might have stood a chance to dream!
Quicken Loans. Something to cry about.