Dear Coach Johnson

Dear Coach Johnson,

I am the owner of a once-successful NFL franchise. I've come to the conclusion that my small-market team will always have trouble attracting the best players. Even with the salary cap, they don't want to live in my small-market hometown.

As I've pondered how this affects my team's efforts to sign talent, I've noticed that from time to time you've achieved some remarkable things under similar competitive disadvantages. As a result, I've been thinking you might be a good fit to coach my team in the NFL. Would you like the opportunity to prove to all your doubters that your system work at the highest level? Of course, I realize the move would be a hardship on your and your family, so I'll offer you double Nick Saban's salary.

However, I am slightly concerned by the past few years' trendline, and by your team's occasional inability to win when it's really on the line. So I am making my offer contingent on you turning things around for your team, getting to the CFP, and of course crushing your fans' most hated rivals. If you can do that for the next 3 or 4 years, my offer will be open and waiting.

If you have any questions about the legalities, please contact my attorney, GTCrew.
Regards,
Kindly Billionaire

PS. In anticipation of your arrival, I'm going to sign an athletic run-first QB with dubious passing skills who's being overlooked by other teams. However, I've got two options – both have been out of the league for a while, both are outspoken in defense of their beliefs, both are widely admired by some segments of the population, and both are available at a reasonable price. Oddly enough, they also both like to kneel at games, one during the anthem and one after touchdowns. If you could Tweet me the reasons why one should be hired instead of the other, in your inimitable plain-spoken folksy style, it would do wonders for our PR efforts.
 
18in32 said:
Dear Coach Johnson,

I am the owner of a once-successful NFL franchise. I've come to the conclusion that my small-market team will always have trouble attracting the best players. Even with the salary cap, they don't want to live in my small-market hometown.

As I've pondered how this affects my team's efforts to sign talent, I've noticed that from time to time you've achieved some remarkable things under similar competitive disadvantages. As a result, I've been thinking you might be a good fit to coach my team in the NFL. Would you like the opportunity to prove to all your doubters that your system work at the highest level? Of course, I realize the move would be a hardship on your and your family, so I'll offer you double Nick Saban's salary.

However, I am slightly concerned by the past few years' trendline, and by your team's occasional inability to win when it's really on the line. So I am making my offer contingent on you turning things around for your team, getting to the CFP, and of course crushing your fans' most hated rivals. If you can do that for the next 3 or 4 years, my offer will be open and waiting.

If you have any questions about the legalities, please contact my attorney, GTCrew.
Regards,
Kindly Billionaire



PS. In anticipation of your arrival, I'm going to sign an athletic run-first QB with dubious passing skills who's being overlooked by other teams. However, I've got two options – both have been out of the league for a while, both are outspoken in defense of their beliefs, both are widely admired by some segments of the population, and both are available at a reasonable price. Oddly enough, they also both like to kneel at games, one during the anthem and one after touchdowns. If you could Tweet me the reasons why one should be hired instead of the other, in your inimitable plain-spoken folksy style, it would do wonders for our PR efforts.
Click to expand...


Dear Billy,

That's great. Sign both quarterbacks and we'll cause the second civil war. I don't care. I really don't. I got a squirrel gun loaded with rock salt and dried tears from your mama.

While you're waiting on my answer, go öööö yourself, you douche nozzle.

Sincerely,
CPJ
 
whenyousaybud said:
Dear Billy,

That's great. Sign both quarterbacks and we'll cause the second civil war. I don't care. I really don't. I got a squirrel gun loaded with rock salt and dried tears from your mama.

While you're waiting on my answer, go öööö yourself, you douche nozzle.

Sincerely,
CPJ
Click to expand...
EDSBS wannabe
 
Jo_Vision said:
Everything that happens on that field is your fault. Those kids are not paid professionals, but you are. They are college kids looking for an education and an opportunity to play a game that you invited them to play.

YOU recruit them
YOU coach them
YOU discipline them
YOU play them
YOU call the plays

No mistake out there can’t be attributed to a deficiency of one of the items on the list above. I’m sorry coach, I have been a fan of your football knowledge for a long time but I am tired of you disrespecting your players. Good leaders deflect praise and shoulder responsibility. Consider that it is hard for someone to fight for you on the field when you won’t fight for them off the field. Be Mike Gundy for once.

That is all.
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I hate to see you waste your time, so here's a chart.

suicide.jpg
 
Dear Coach Johnson,

My mommy says you are my daddy. Why don't you ever come visit me? I sleep with a TO playbook under my pillow every night.

Wishing eternally,
ee8384
 
whenyousaybud said:
I hate to see you waste your time, so here's a chart.

suicide.jpg
Click to expand...
Maybe I don't want to know, but how do you suffocate yourself to commit suicide? Is it lumping intentional drownings and hangings together? I don't think it would be very easy to put a pillow over you face and keep pressure on it until you died. You'd lose pressure when you blacked out and be able to breath again.
 
18in32 said:
Maybe I don't want to know, but how do you suffocate yourself to commit suicide? Is it lumping intentional drownings and hangings together? I don't think it would be very easy to put a pillow over you face and keep pressure on it until you died. You'd lose pressure when you blacked out and be able to breath again.
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Self-suffocating pillow deaths are mostly successful engineers, oddly.
 
ThisIsAtlanta said:
Self-suffocating pillow deaths are mostly successful engineers, oddly.
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Would surely require a complicated made-to-order contraption, the building of which would generate so much excitement and joy for life that you'd abandon the project.
 
My Dear Paul,

For the last month I have been endeavouring to pluck up sufficient courage to write and tell you that everything must be over between us.

No doubt you will think me awfully unkind and perhaps fickle to write this while you are away, but this matter has worried me a great deal, and I have been halting between two opinions, as to whether it would be kinder to let you know now, and let myself be called unfaithful, or to wait until you come home, although knowing all the time in my heart that I was untrue.

When you went away, and I told you that I loved you best, I really meant it Paul, but such a lot seems to have happened since then. I really thought that I had forgotten George in my love for you, but it is no use Paul, I cannot help loving George best. I suppose it is because he was first.

At first I made up my mind to fight it down and be true to you, and if you still wish to keep me to my promise under the circumstances, I will do so.

Don’t take this too much to heart Paul. I am not worth it but don’t think me altogether heartless. I would not hurt you dear unless I could help it, but unfortunately we cannot control our own feelings. Will you believe me when I say that I am very sorry, for I am, more so than perhaps you think. Anyway, forgive me if you can, and I trust that you will still let us be friends, whatever happens.

One word about George before I finish. He would have waited in honour bound until you came home. All at home send their love to you. Trusting this will find you in the best of health, I remain,

Yours Very Sincerely,

BranMart
Extracted from “Love Letters of the Great War” (Macmillan), edited by Mandy Kirkby, and available from Telegraph Books
 
ee8384 said:
Dear Coach Johnson,

My mommy says you are my daddy. Why don't you ever come visit me? I sleep with a TO playbook under my pillow every night.

Wishing eternally,
ee8384
Click to expand...
I don't use a playbook son and what 44 year old man sleeps with his mommy?
 
18in32 said:
Maybe I don't want to know, but how do you suffocate yourself to commit suicide? Is it lumping intentional drownings and hangings together? I don't think it would be very easy to put a pillow over you face and keep pressure on it until you died. You'd lose pressure when you blacked out and be able to breath again.
Click to expand...
Get a fat girl?
 
Dear Paul,
What has happened to us? I don't know. I feel myself in a spiral, going down down down, into a black hole from which there is no escape, no brightness. And loud in my ears from every side I hear, 'failure, failure, failure...' I love you so much ... I am too old and enmeshed in everything you do and are, that I cannot conceive of football without you ... Your going will leave quite a rumor but you can say you were overworked and overwrought. Your reputation with your friends and fans will not be harmed ... Sometimes think of the fun we had all thru the years ...
 
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